


Forever Blood Stained

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alone, Angst, Anxiety, Arguing, Blood, Blood and Injury, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dark, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Married Couple, Nightmares, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Romance, Sad, Steve Rogers Has Issues, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is Not Captain America, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Veterans, Violence, lying, scared steve rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-06-07 22:10:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15228987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Steve was sent home early.Without evening letting his other half know, Steve had left the front line.Now alone at home, Steve was left with his thoughts.Thoughts that were only to turn against him, from the horror and suffering he has caused to other men and women without even stopping to think.How was he to cope on his own? How could he ever open up to Bucky, without sounding like a wimp? How was he to deal with life when his own mind was out to get him?Blood leaking from the walls, Blood leaking through the floorboards, Blood leaking from the taps. Everything around Steve Rogers was forever blood stained.





	Forever Blood Stained

It had felt like months since I had last seen my Stevie, way too long. One minute he's right next to me fighting side by side, the next he's sent home with no explanation what so ever. The closer I got to the apartment the more excited I got and the quicker my feet took me across the hall. Without any hesitation I swung the door open, hoping to see Steve running over to me, nothing. I slowly stepped further into the room.  
"Steve? You here baby?"  
A loud crash, that sounded like glass shattering answered my question. I dropped my bags onto the floor and ran straight to our en suite. I carefully looked around the door, seeing something that would haunt me for awhile.

Steve was standing in front of the sink, dripping tightly onto it as blood dripping from his arms and wrists. The mirror ahead of him was smashed onto millions of pieces,  
some glass stuck in Steve and the rest on the flood, mixing with the pool of blood that was slowly forming.   
I cautiously moved closer to the shaking body, but stopped when I heard his faint muttering,  
"Out damned spot...Out I say...Hell is Murky. Fie, my love, Fie, a soldier and afeard?"  
Before I could even touch his shoulder, Steve started rubbing his hands and wrists dry. Desperately trying to scrub off the blood that had already left his skin. It was just making everything worse and throughout the mumbling never stopped,  
"His bloody life, in my bloody hands..."  
"Steve...Honey, what happened to you..."  
His once crystal blue eyes never left the spot on his hands until I rested a hand upon his arm, which made him finally make eye contact with me. It was clear sleep was dismissed and not an ounce of care was shown on his face. Everything that was jovial about him had vanished, Steve looked empty...  
"Stevie...Talk to me please..."  
"Here's the smell of the blood still!"  
Steve was trembling like a mad man, now using me as something to steady himself on. At least he was not completely unresponsive, I went to ask again only to be shoved out of the bathroom with the door slamming into my face.  
"Hey! Steve, let me in. What are you doing in there? You better not do anything stupid! Steve, I swear to god!"  
I tried over and over again to get the door open, git locked the door. 

I had gotten no response for about two minutes now and it was only making me panic more, it had been quiet in there for some time now, too quiet. I softly began to knock on the door, hoping for some kind of indication that Steve was in fact okay. Not long after there was a loud gasp on the other side and a loud bang which I could feel from my side of the door. Shit.  
"Steve! Steve, open this damn door! What the hell have you done in there?!"  
Still no response, fine. Guess I'll make my own way in. I backed up from the door to the other side of the room and ran straight into the door, it only budged. Great. After trying many, many times I finally got the door open. I stood in the door frame, now looking down at a unconscious Steve who had a purple mark around his neck. I quickly knelt down beside him, checking for a pulse. He's still alive, thank fuck. 

Eventually I managed to rest Steve on our bed, god he is heavy but he still needed the comfort. I ran back into the bathroom to grab the first aid kit, before I started tending to his wounds. He was such an idiot sometimes.  
I glanced down at him, fully taking in the damage he had done to himself. I broke me, I couldn't hold back the tears that had started forming in the corners of my eyes. I gently rested my forehead on his, trying my hardest to hold back a sob,  
"Oh Stevie...why didn't you just told me, told someone. I'm sorry I'm not perfect and wasn't here for you. I understand if you trusted Sam or Nat more, they were always at your side when I had to leave you. This is all my fault, I should never of asked you to join me. You were happy at home and I just took that happiness away from you without thinking about the consequences."  
The tears were uncontrolled and never ending, I lifted my head from his and rested a hand on his cheek using the other to wipe my eyes,  
"I'm so sorry..."  
I moved away from Steve, wrapping my own arms around myself, how could I of been so selfish. Steve never did anything to hurt me, but all I do to him is bring him pain that he never deserved.

It'd felt like hours, until I felt a soft hand resting on my own,  
"B-Buck?"  
"Steve?"  
I looked over at him, fear and guilt bubbling up inside me all over again. Someone so great as Steve should never have to put up with me. Steve slowly sat up, with a concerned look as he cupped my face in his hands,  
"Buck, why are you crying?"  
He gently wiped away my tears that were threatening to fall again, I took a deep breath and looked at him,  
"You scared me doll, you scared me so much!"  
I pulled him into a tight but loving hug, running my hands through his short blond hair,  
"Don't you ever do that again, you hear me? I can't lose you Doll...I just can't..."  
This time I wasn't the one to sniff or sob, I lent back slightly to see Steve on the verge of a breakdown,  
"I know I should of said something earlier, but I just got so so frightened that you'd think I was being pathetic and leave me...I wanted to end it all before anything else got worse, before you were to ever find out..."  
"Stevie, baby, what have I told you before? I'm with you till the end of the line."   
I kissed his cheek, nose then forehead repeatedly until Steve's breathing went back to normal and his tense muscles had started to relax,  
"There ya go doll, lay back and rest okay, I'll be right here with ya."  
I steadied Steve back so he was laying down and made sure he was extra comfortable, it was long until sleep had completely consumed him. Poor thing, he really was suffering. At least now he can relax for a couple of hours.

**

It didn't seem like Steve was ever going to wake up. I had taken a shower, unpacked my bags and began to make a coffee. A scream echoed through the hall, most likely alerting the neighbors. I hurried back into our bedroom, to find Steve thrashing around on the covers, mumbling once again and crying. I climbed onto the bed and was at his side in an instant. Holding him tightly, trying my best to wake him,  
"Come on Baby, you gotta wake up. I'm here doll, your safe with me."  
Slowly the crying and muttering stopped and Steve went still, only for him to suddenly sit up panting and gasping. I quickly grabbed his hand, hoping to calm him down a little,  
"Deep breaths Doll, your fine, your okay, your safe. Your not hurt nor did you hurt anyone...Everyone is safe..."  
"No Buck...No one is safe with me around. I'm a monster..."  
He hid his face in his hands as his shoulders started shaking again. I pulled Steve into an embrace and just held him there, allowing him to let everything out,  
"Baby...your not a monster. Don't talk that way about yourself, I love you for you so stop trying to pull yourself down. You keep people safe, you keep me safe and I have to return the favor. If you were truly a monster you'd have no one, but here I am."

Steve moved away from my arms and sat up straight, looking directly at me,  
"No...you don't even know the half of it...You didn't see the faces of agony when I took down family after family, sometimes leaving vulnerable children alone with no one but the nightmare heat that would soon approach them! You didn't have to hear scream after scream as you took out whole towns because no one was sure who were dangerous and who weren't! You didn't have to walk through never ending puddles of blood which would stain the very body I'm stuck in, Bucky you don't even know half of what I went through! How much sanity I lost, just to make you happy that I was by your side! I can't even close my damn eyes without being faced with the horrors I brought upon innocent people...innocent people! I'm broken, I'm useless, I'm a piece of shit, I KNOW! wherever I turn there's blood, its here forever no matter how much you try to convince me it's not. I've been to hell and back...I-I can't keep up with it anymore...I just can't..."  
I was complete shock as Steve began to break down again, it really was my fault...I heard Steve taking a steadying breath as he looked up at me again.  
"I did all I could to hide everything from you, you didn't deserve this weight on your shoulders as well...I was happy at first when I was sent home alone but that didn't turn out so great either. I can never get away Buck...I can never not have a nightmare or at least one damn day without having a break down! I was SO close to getting rid of it all, so close...then you come back. Try to pull me away from it, but the terror is always there no matter how many times we whisper sweet nothings to me. God damn it Bucky! I'm a mess of a soldier, I'm such a disappointment. I'm sorry you have to put up with all this bullshit!"

I pretty much launched myself at Steve, wrapping my arms around his waist yanking him close.   
"Shut up, just shut up Steve. Don't apologise, please.I need you and you need me, I don't care how broken you are I'm always going to be by your side. I promised, didn't I?"  
I held up his hand and kissed it, glancing over his wedding ring. I linked my left hand with his and began to kiss up his arm, to his collar, up his neck and past his chin, finally meeting his soft lips in a gentle but passionate kiss.   
"You don't have to go through this alone Doll, I won't allow it. No way."  
A small smile spread across Steve's slightly red face, with hopeful eyes,  
"Thank you Buck...I won't hide anything else from you..."  
He snuggled up close to me, hiding his face in the crook of my neck,  
"I love you doll..."  
Steve only hummed in response as I felt more of his weight rest on me, it wouldn't be long till he was dead to the world again. I glanced down at Steve's bandaged up arms and hands, sighing softly and bringing them up to my lips, kissing them with care,  
"Your so loved doll...I won't let you suffer anymore, I'm by your side forever and always. Bit by bit, I'll help wash the blood away"

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh! I'm sorry it was so crap.  
> I tried okay :3
> 
> I'm still sorry though...  
> (Stucky is just really cute...)


End file.
